


This broken heart still loves you

by twdsnsd18



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 20:39:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18454229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdsnsd18/pseuds/twdsnsd18
Summary: Seungwan tries to deal with emptiness left in her heart.





	This broken heart still loves you

Nobody ever tells you how to prepare for heartbreak. It’s only how to get better. It’s how to heal that’s discussed. Not a single person will ever talk about how to properly protect the heart from future hurt.

There are some who just say to not wear your heart on your sleeve. To not be so trusting of others. Maintain a wall fronted with every person you meet. It’s all talk on how to transform yourself into this isolated, cold-hearted bitch. 

There aren’t exactly tips provided on how to prepare for the pain.

If there was one thing that Seungwan could wish for in the world, it’d be to withhold a heartbreak detector. But, of course, no such thing existed. It wouldn't be human to prevent pain.

“You don’t look too good.”

She didn’t feel too good either.

“I’m fine.” A lie so constant that it’s become her personal catchphrase.

“Don’t bullshit me.”

Seungwan closed her eyes, massaging her forehead. She didn’t have the energy to deal with this. Especially not when it’s Sooyoung, who’d only pester at her more until she caved. “Just a headache.”

“I thought we were friends.”

“We are.”

“Then,” Sooyoung shut the textbook Seungwan’d been reading out of. “Talk to me.”

It wasn't something that she could so easily talk about. It already caused her so much ache to even think about it. Seungwan’s mind was exhausted.

“Sooyoung, not now. I have to study.”

“It can wait.”

“No, it can't. The exam is in two weeks.”

“Plenty of time.”

Seungwan scoffed, eyeing the girl. “By your standards.”

“Is everything okay with-”

“Sooyoung! Please?” Seungwan never begged, but when she did, it was serious.

“Okay, I’ll let it go.” Sooyoung released the textbook from her hold. “But know that it’s temporary.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Another hour of studying passed by. Seungwan was now alone because Sooyoung couldn’t handle the boredom any longer. So typical. She loved Sooyoung but the girl was a handful.

She checked her phone. A text from the person causing her headache.

_I: got most of my stuff alrdy ill get the rest tmmrw_

Seungwan rubbed at her tired eyes. It was safe to go home already.  
~~~  
Before, she used to love coming home late.

Now, she hates it entirely. She loathed coming home late.

After leaving her shoes at the foyer, Seungwan trudged through the dark apartment without turning on a single light. It was better this way. The darkness was like a curtain covering the emptiness of her home.

It’d been like this for weeks already. Lonely, dull, and dark. Her apartment. And her life.

“Gosh, so pathetic.” she murmured amongst herself.

Seungwan’s grown tired of living like this. However, she was too weak to do anything about it. So, she just tried her best to become adjusted to it. Even if any of this sadness was never her choice. It wasn't her decision to live like this. 

But she’d figured that she’d just have to cope with it.

After a quick wash, Seungwan lay restless in bed. Her big, empty bed. She used to like having all this space to herself when she first moved in. Seungwan disliked all the extra space now.

It was like an annoying reminder that she was alone.

She could tell it was going to be another sleepless night by the way her mind kept wiring on the same old thing. The moon has become a companion on these nights. Seungwan glanced at the window.

It was dark and cloudy out. The moon remains unseen. Obscured by the clouds.

Seungwan sighed. Not even the moon seemed to be willing to hear her hopeless mantras tonight. It must’ve grown irritated by her.

Maybe she should look into sleeping pills.  
~~~  
The weekends were the worst.

While she was working at the ice cream shop across from her apartment, everybody she knew was probably out doing fun things and having the time of their lives. Seungwan was also like that during one point in life.

But adulthood and responsibility were expensive. She had to replace the fun times with working hours to pay the bills. The ice cream didn’t provide enough to live luxuriously but it gave enough to survive and pay the rent.

“Seungwan, can you go out back and sign off the delivery? I’ll handle the register.”

Her co-worker, Seojoon, was a nice guy. She’d found out a lot about him during the slow days. He studied something in engineering but every place he applied was asking for years of experience which was how he wound up selling ice cream alongside her.

“Alright.”

She walked out back, politely greeting the delivery man. Once she signed off the delivery, he quickly sped out of there. Seungwan stood between tons of boxes filled with ice cream. The vibrating in her pocket snapped her out of the trance.

_I: finished getting my stuff…you free for lunch??_

Seungwan was free but she wasn't ready. Instead, she texted back: _my shift ends in 3 hrs ill be free then_  
~~~  
Seungwan had wished that the three hours didn’t pass by so quickly. She needed more time to prep herself. However, it was a now or never type of moment. If she didn't pull through with this then it really was the end of herself.

She bid Seojoon goodbye, then clocked out. The only good part about this meetup was that it’d be taking place at her own home. So, if the need to run or hide arose, her bedroom would be only steps away to save her.

Plus, maybe it would provide the closure she needed to move on.

When the elevator binged at her floor, she was thinking of maybe tidying up a bit and making it look less haunted and abandoned. But those plans flew out once she laid her eyes upon the figure pacing back and forth in front of her door.

“Joohyun…”

The name slipped out involuntarily but it was loud enough to be heard.

“Oh, you’re here.”

“Yeah, I am.” Seungwan walked closer, one hand gripping her keys and the other holding onto the hem of her shirt for dear life. “Didn’t think you’d be here before me.”

“I was already around so...yeah.”

It sucked terribly. Not being able to look each other in the eye or even hold a smile. Seungwan’s face wavered whenever Joohyun glanced her way. It’d been so long since they were so close to each other that she had no clue on how to behave.

The options swirling in her mind were: _A) act cold and unbothered, B) start crying outta nowhere, or C) hold all emotions inside and pretend to be okay_

Watching Joohyun set down the takeout she’d brought on the table, Seungwan went with option C. She wasn’t courageous enough to be rude nor was she desperate to the point of endless sobbing. It wasn't her choice for them to be this way so she opted for pretending as if it were mutual.

For the sake of a peaceful evening, her sanity, and aching heart she’d act as fine as she could.  
~~~  
“You didn’t have to serve me.”

Seungwan glanced up from her plate. “You didn’t have to buy food.”

“I asked you out, remember?”

The words collide with a memory. The real meaning of them became lost as Seungwan can only recall a younger looking Joohyun repeating the same line, but with brighter eyes and a wider grin. But it came out of present Joohyun’s mouth, the one who looked paler, thinner, more exhausted.

Not that Seungwan looked any better. The past few weeks had noticeably taken a toll on both of them. In an evilly comforting way, it made Seungwan feel somewhat better knowing that she wasn’t the only one go through it roughly.

“But I invited you to my place. So, it was my responsibility for the food.”

It hurt. To call the apartment only hers. No longer theirs, or ours.

“It was a habit.”

“Same.”

Seungwan knew it was more than just a habit for both of them. It was a routine. Their routine.

They fell silent after the mini contretemp. It was the shortest and quietest of the past altercations and confrontations. It almost felt like one of their playful banters.

“Are you finding your new place okay?” Seungwan asked, mentally smacking herself for bringing that specific topic up.

“Uh,” Joohyun faltered for a moment. “Yeah, it’s okay. Very spacious.”

“That’s good.”

“How’s work?”

“Good, slow at times, but good.”

“Cool, I’m glad.”

Seungwan was suffocating in this thick atmosphere. She thought it would be easy to get through this night but the tense awkwardness is proving otherwise. She really wanted to be cordial just for one night, but it's not easy work having to pretend that you’re fine while talking to the one person who broke you into pieces.

“What the hell are we doing?”

The question was directed more towards herself, but it was also a jab at Joohyun.

“We’re eating, what else?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Seungwan, don’t ruin-”

And that blew the top off. Seungwan pushed herself up, glaring directly at Joohyun, who kept her gaze down. “Get out.”

“Seungwan, let’s just talk, okay?”

“I wanted to talk weeks ago but you didn’t.”

“You wouldn’t have understood.”

“Bullshit!”

It’s coming now. The explosion that should’ve occurred once the terms break up fell out from Joohyun. It was then that Seungwan should have put her foot down and demanded for them to talk it out.

“Okay, I’ll go.” Joohyun started to get up and even Seungwan slamming a fist to the table wasn’t enough to keep her there. “This is ridiculous. I’m leaving.”

It was whispered under her breath but Seungwan’s got a keen sense of hearing. So, when the words traveled to her ears and processed in her mind, that’d done it.

“You can’t do that.”

“Do what? Aren’t I doing what you want?”

No. She wasn’t. Seungwan didn’t mean her words. She wanted Joohyun to defy her and stay. All she wanted was for her to stay.

“You made this choice for me, a choice that I didn’t want.”

“Because if I didn’t make this choice we’d both be miserable.”

_Miserable._

The word pierced her like a bullet.

“W-What?” Seungwan wiped at her glossy eyes, they’d gotten watery sometime between telling Joohyun to get out and this supposed misery they would have experienced.

Joohyun’s jaw tightened from the way she gritted her teeth. “It’s best if I just leave.”

“I thought...I thought...” Seungwan felt dizzy, she couldn't even finish her sentence. Her throat closed up due to all the rushing emotions.

“We weren’t happy anymore, Seungwan. You’ve been withdrawing from me lately and I just...” She paused, taking a moment of silence to herself. “I couldn’t just let myself hurt.”

A conclusion had been drawn. Joohyun was selfish. She couldn’t bear the thought of being in pain and decided to end their relationship. Seungwan wanted to slap her for being so greedy. Didn’t her opinion matter in this too?

“So, you just decided what was best for our relationship?”

Joohyun raised from her chair, standing at an equal height. “Somebody had to.”

“Don’t throw all this on me.” Seungwan drifted towards her. Suddenly calm. Collected. “Maybe think about why I was acting the way I did.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I love you, Joohyun. Even when my parents couldn’t accept it, I still fell in love with you. And I thought you felt the same.”

“What are you on about?.”

Seungwan chuckled pathetically. “I know, Hyun. I’ve known for a while.” The nickname felt so bittersweet as it slid off the tip of her tongue. Something so intimate felt deeply foreign.

And she knew her words dawned upon Joohyun for the woman began to blink rapidly. A notion that Seungwan’s taken note over the years. She only does that when she feels trapped. And currently, Seungwan’s trapped her.

“Wait, Seung-”

“I hope you treat her right. She doesn’t deserve the lies you’ve spewed to me or the pain that you’ve forsaken my heart with.” Before anything else could happen, Seungwan spoke again, “Now you can get out.” 

Even if her heart was dying to hold onto Joohyun and never let go.

With time, all will heal. So they say.

Joohyun lingered at the door, hesitance in her stance. She’d grabbed the doorknob but made no motion to open it. “Since when did you know?”

“Seojoon saw you with her.”

“…oh.”

“Live a good life,” Seungwan said, withholding the urge to throw every single object in her perimeter at Joohyun.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.” For not realizing sooner.

With that, Joohyun left.

Something profound settled inside her. It was heavy, excruciatingly painful. It was the realization that she really was alone and might be for who knows how long. Seungwan abhorred this emptiness that Joohyun had left her with.

The worse part: she might not ever overcome it.  
~~~  
Finding the strength to attend classes had become extremely difficult.

Seungwan just didn’t have the incentive to learn anymore. She’d felt stuck in life.

Every morning, a sluggishness claimed her body and forced her to lay in bed all day. She’d already missed two weeks of classes. Surely she was already falling most of them. Not even Sooyoung's texts of threats motivated her.

Call it an exaggeration but Seungwan really felt her world collapsing with every second that passed.

“Have you eaten?”

“No.”

“Have you showered?”

Seungwan took a whiff of her own hair and repulsed from the distinct smell. “It’s been a couple of days.”

“You need to get your shit together.” Sooyoung blew out a breath, plopping herself right next to her on the bed.

At times like this, one needs the support of a dear friend. Praise Sooyoung for having such encouraging words.

“I feel so lost.”

“I get Joohyun really hurt you, but don’t just let the pain fester more.”

“She betrayed me, Sooyoung.” Thinking about Joohyun being with another while they’d been together made her feel like such crap. Like she wasn’t enough.

“Did she even tell you why?”

Now that Sooyoung mentioned it, Seungwan realized that she never did ask why. She’d let anger and sadness cloud her mind. “I kicked her out before she could explain.”

“Maybe that’s what you need.”

Reaching over her, Seungwan watched Sooyoung grab her phone. “What’re you doing?”

“Texting Joohyun.”

“Why?!”

“You need closure, my friend.”

Seungwan sprang up, terror decorating her face. “I’m not ready to face her again.”

“Nobody ever is, that’s why you just do it without any preparations.”

It sort of made sense but right now Seungwan didn’t want to make any sense of it. She didn’t want to see Joohyun at the moment. It still hurt too much. And she knew she’d only weaken more by meeting her.

“Wow, she replied fast.”

“What’d she say?”

Sooyoung gave her the phone. “She’ll be here in 15. And that’s my cue to leave.”

“Sooyoung!”

“Just know I wouldn’t judge if you two decide to start over again.”

And then Sooyoung slipped out of the room, leaving Seungwan clueless with her words. Though deep down, she knew exactly what Sooyoung meant by it.

Because unfortunately, Seungwan was sure she still had that same lovesick gleam in her eyes.  
~~~  
With the little time she was given, Seungwan did her absolute best to make herself look somewhat alive. She sprayed dry shampoo in her hair and tied it into a ponytail. Due to lack of time for a shower she practically drenched herself in perfume. She changed into clean clothes and used a shit ton of concealer to hide the eye bags that made a permanent home on her face.

Trembling with anxiousness and drowning in anxiety she waited on the couch.

And ending the suspense, the doorbell rang.

Seungwan made collected steps to the door and opened it as elegantly as she could. Joohyun mumbled a greeting as she slipped through. 

About five minutes in, they both sat in torturous silence. 

“What was it you needed to tell me?” Joohyun asked, breaking the quiet.

“Oh...um...well...Sooyoung actually texted you.”

“Oh. So, you don’t have anything to tell me?”

Seungwan was ready to say no but her heart somehow beat her brain to it. “It’s more of a question.”

“Okay, I’m all ears.”

“Why did you do it?”

She half-expected an entire monologue from Joohyun defending herself but on the contrary, she received a tired sigh and teary eyes. Totally unexpected.

“I never intended to hurt you or expect these other feelings to develop. It wasn’t my plan.”

Ouch. Hearing the person you are still undeniably head over heels for talk about having feelings for another is absolutely soul ripping. Seungwan mustered up all her willpower to not breakdown in a painful sob.

“Do you love her?” She croaked, devastated.

“Seungwan...”

“Just answer me, please.”

Joohyun looked at her with red eyes. Her lips quivered. “No...I don’t...I was stupid.”

“How long?”

“A couple of weeks before we broke up.”

Seungwan let out a pitiful chuckle. For weeks she was a fool. For weeks Joohyun had someone else in her heart while she came home to Seungwan. It felt like a knife was being twisted in her chest.

“I hope she was worth it.”

“Seungwan…”

“Years, Joohyun! For years I have loved you!...Yet you chose to throw all of that away for some rendezvous with some girl you’ve only know for a short time.”

“Seungwan, I love _you_.”

God did it feel good to hear those words from Joohyun again. The entire situation of it all though was totally unappealing. Seungwan wiped the last of the tears she’d give. “Are you still seeing her?”

“No...she ended it after finding out I wasn’t single when we started…” She trailed off.

“I never pegged you for a two-timer.”

“I know I fucked up badly. I’m stupid to have ever hurt you...the only girl who’s given up so much just to love me.”

“I can’t ever trust again.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sure you are.”

Joohyun got onto her knees, her head loosely hanging. “What can I do for you to forgive me?”

“Nothing. You’ve broken me. As much as my heart yearns for you, I would never forgive myself if I let you in again and risk you breaking it again.”

It was hard to not give in to her heart’s desire. But this was the closure she needed. Seungwan knew she’d hurt for a long time but sometimes the pain was needed to move on. It sounded entirely masochistic but getting back with Joohyun would just be heart-rending.

Especially with always having that doubt suffocate her.

She felt numb. At a complete loss. 

Her face was held between two tiny palms. “Please...give me another chance...please, Seungwan.”

She didn’t want to. This pain that Joohyun had caused was soul crushing. Seungwan’s never felt so devasted in her life than now.

However, she was weak. She was weak for Joohyun. For her eyes, her lips, her touch.

“Okay.” She whispered raspily.

So she caved and let Joohyun kiss her, touch her, and whisper how much she loved her because as much it tore her to allow Joohyun inside again, it was also what kept her alive.

Because no matter how shattered her heart was, all the broken pieces of her heart would always love Joohyun.


End file.
